VENT

I had a weird dream last night about my dad. And from what I can remember that is the first time I’ve dreamt about him. When I was searching for him months ago I don’t even think I dreamt of him then so this just came out of the blue. Needless to say I woke up in a weird mood and he is every thought I’ve had since waking. I opened up his picture on the internet (his mug shot, the only picture I’ve ever seen of him, the only way I even know what he looks like which I finally found over a year ago) and just starred at it. I then started searching more and more and came up with the same answers as I had before. This time I actually went to google maps and looked up the county’s that he was arrested in and at one point he was so close to my older sister and my best friend. To know that he was that close to something that is a part of me made me shake my head. Why I was shaking my head? Maybe disappointment idk. I also found my mother’s information when she was in trouble in Kansas around the same time that he was before I was born. Her crime,… forgery. I told my boyfriend about this and I’m not sure if he was joking or what but he said, “Well then you’ll never find her.” “Why?” “Because people like that can change their names,” and blah blah blah. It pointed out something. I’ve considered this option before it makes sense. At least my mother was around for moment though but this man never was and if I never see her again I at least want to be able to talk to him. I’m always a couple years behind them and their criminal records though. So I’m making it a point to check into both of them every couple of months so maybe I will catch up to one of them one day hopefully it’s not just to lead me to their grave.

I’ve never been bitter towards my dad as I have been towards my mother. I wasn’t one of those kids that questioned my mother where my dad was constantly and why he didn’t love me at least not from what I remember. I had asked several questions over the years and fortunately I remember facts well enough that I remembered everything she told me perfectly and those minor details led me to how much I know about him now leading me to even find his charges. The smartest thing I think I’ve ever done was search the Kansas records thank God for the internet and that is exactly how I even know what he looks like. The funny thing is my dad didn’t look much like his mug shot in my dream though he did act like I expect him to. At the end of the dream S.W.A.T was everywhere and based on his criminal history (the only thing I know about this man) that seems pretty likely lol. And I’m sure anyone who reads this is like, “Wow why would you want to know someone like that?” Well, basically I have tried to fool myself all my life saying things like, “If my mom and my dad raised me I would probably be just like them so I’m better off.” Truth is I still look up to them. My mom told me about simple stories about how he would rob stores and scare off whoever fucked with him.

The most infamous of them all were when he went to a store and went to the back to get a microwave and brought it up to the front and said that he wanted to return it. Needless to say he got the money for it. Another would be that he was not a tall or really scary looking man and my mom told him that she didn’t want any weapons in the house. Well, she pulled up to the house and saw some big ass motherfuckers one of them with a bat or something like that at their door so she stayed in the car and waited. Just moments after they entered our apartment (I was a baby at the time with my mom in the car) they exited in a hurry and looked pretty scared. I have a few more like that and I just get a smile on my face when I think about them, they’re all I have from him and all I can think of is, “Wow, my dad was a major badass!” Regardless though he was/is my dad and no matter what type of person he is I would still like to meet him. A few years ago my friend was fighting with her dad and she told me how much she hated him and I’m just like, “At least you know him well enough to know that you hate him.” I just wish I could meet mine. All attempts to get a hold of him have failed because I started my search too late and I just barely missed him. The last thing he ever has on any of the files I’ve read was an address from 2008. I sent a letter to it last year only for it to get sent back because he didn’t live there anymore so now all I have to do is wait and be patient. Maybe I should throw in the towel for that part of his life because he did have a lot of aliases and maybe I should start at another name that is listed. And there are so many people out there with the same name it’s ridiculous. The funny/fucked up part is I get so many things when I search for him but my mom barely left a trail to her. There is no mistaking her name and the last thing I’ve found for her was from 2010, she could be anywhere and anyone now! I love how my parents are the two most unable to be found people in the world. Bin Laden had nothing on them then again not a whole country is looking for them either but still lol.